More gibberish to those who have no idea

Somewhere along the way, I let a lot of things get to me. I can't say Im that different a person, but in all honesty, I don't think Im similiar to the Kevin 3 years ago.
The Kevin 3 years ago would have helped almost anyone in need. He'd ask if there was a problem if he sensed it, even if it was tinged with paranoia, but he made sure that the concern surfaced. The Kevin 3 years ago may have been a pushover, may have been oversensitive, may have been annoying, may have been unsociable.
And the Kevin now may all be that still, but with more added ...bitterness.
Somewhere along the way, he encountered hurtful situations, painful lessons, and this turned into short termed anger, and long term hatred and bitterness. There was loss, loss again, and betrayal. But I realise now though, it was not my fault that these things happened to me, it was my fault for not doing my best to heal. I let the wound stay there. Hey, I thought it was only a minor 'cut', dealt by one of life's lessons. How wrong and naive I was. This 'cut' had become a festering wound. By trying to forget the past, I continued to let it haunt me, literally, I'd wake in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes streaming down my cheeks, and I wouldnt know why or where this source of pain or sorrow originated from. Im quite sure I know where it comes from now.

I don't know why, but today, this person said he/she hated what I'd given he/she as a sincere present sometime ago. Why he/she said it? I don't know. Did he/she mean it? I don't know, and I won't ask, BECAUSE, the whole time I knew this person, more bad things were said to me than good. Is he/she pretending to be mean? I don't know either. We're not talking about constructive criticism here, we're talking about plain mean things. Sticks and stones...bla bla bla? Well, not for me, words from people that matter, matter to me. But I guess, not anymore...if the person doesn't 'matter' to you, neither will he/she say matter too. Sad thing is...he/she mattered greatly, tremendously, vastly to me.

Putting something past you is different, way, way different from running away from the problem. When something is put 'past' you, you don't look back anymore....when you 'run' away, you continuously look behind, to see if 'its' catching up with you, and thats why, when you run, eventually, you'll come to a dead end. Tomorrow, Im gonna try to 'stitch' part of the big gaping wound.

The Kindness of Strangers

Just thought I'd recount all the good deeds done unto me...feeling kinda gracious now.

I remember when I was in primary school and we had art, but I'd forgotten to bring my supplies, the teacher found out, and embarrassed me in class by declaring loudly I had not brought anything, and said I MUST find someone who would lend me their supplies...well, I didnt have many friends back then, and I remember just walking back to my desk from the front of the class, feeling really lousy..10 minutes later, this nice girl came up to me and asked if I wanted to borrow her stuff..heh...I still remember her name to this day...(Now now, its only because it's a common name in Melawati)

I had this late night snack in the nearby mamak restaurant, and the bill was RM1.80 (well, I forgot the EXACT figure, its about there), I took out my wallet at the cashier, and staring at me was this RM 100 note. The guy obviously didnt carry that much change at night, and I felt extremely bad..I mean...robbing a restauranter of 2 bucks....COME ON KEVIN! But he said it was fine! With a smile!
PS: I later went to fill my petrol tank nearby and paid him in the end.

I remember when I was in primary school, feeling bored in the canteen, I flicked
this 20 cent coin to watch it spin on the table. After a while, it spun outta control, and fell next to this kid sitting in front of me. She thought she'd dropped it and refused to give it back, I was begging and begging (hey..it was part of my lunch money :'( ) After 10 mins of begging, this teacher who saw the whole thing offered me his money...heh...outta boredom again, I began to flick the coin! (I know I know...) The teacher said sternly, "Im not gonna replace the next one!"

OO....I remember when I was riding my bike, and for some reason, I was watching the bicycle chain and not the road in front (DON'T worry, I don't do that anymore!) I look up, and there's this other bicylce coming at me. Neither of us knew which way to swerve, we collided, I fell down face first, she landed in the drain...I was unconcious I think...luckily I was carried to my grandma's house by these 2 guys and later taken to the doctor. I think by the time the doctor tended to me, the blood on my lips had already coagulated...he didnt give me anything to treat the wound.

This one was quite recent, I THOUGHT I had enough change in my hands for car parking. I put in NZ4 into the machine, realised I was short of NZ1, and decided to cancel the whole thing......BUT...nothing came out! The darn machine STOLE my money... I was robbed! Tsk....Feeling stupid, I drove to a petrol station, bought something, asked for 'cash out', and went back this time to a cheaper parking - NZ4...as I was about to dump my cash in, this lady in her car reverses out, says
"Do you need this?" while flagging a parking coupon in her hand
"Erm, are you selling it?"
"Na, you can have it.." sigh...such a sweet person....
There you go.

And in Malaysia, I didnt get to mow the lawn for my dad cos the mower stuffed up(okok...I was procastinating the chore), and this friend of mine helped me out with the mower...cos cos, I wanted to go buy some stuff with him, (my last day in Malaysia) but I knew if I left the lawn as it is, you can bet my dad wasnt gonna be wishing me farewell at the airport. Yea, there were 'many' setbacks, the lawn was finally mowed by 3 pm...too late to go anywhere then....heh..sorry Gabriel!Hmm...this story shouldnt be here, cos technically, I know Gabriel, ...aagh...Im not gonna delete wat I just typed...

O O, this last one...my neighbours around me in NZ all took turns helping to care for my lawn while I was back in Msia for 2 months....they were telling me how one of them mowed the lawn, while the other did some weeding.

You Know You're Bored When....

...you're actually taking the time to read this post in my blog
...you constantly click 'Next Blog' on the upper right hand corner of the page
...you're post in your blog more than once a day to report even the tiniest thing
'e.g. I think my toothpaste has gone bad...WAIT...does that mean I havent been brushing frequently enough?
...you log online to see if your exam are results are out
...think of things to do once uni starts
...stare into blank space and look stupid at that too
...watch TV ads and say "Hey, that ad could have been improved if the lady said..."
...check your email and actually follow rubbish ads link
...read junk mail and really ponder if the offers shown are worth it
...start looking for things to clean around the house
...actually read up to this line in my blog...(:P)

Happy Being Bored!

Kevin's Holiday Projects

To Sleep late and wake up even later
To Read the books borrowed from the library (Heh...Freud's interpretation of dreams and Psych for Dummies)
To Not let the Lousy Winter weather get to me
To Watch all the movies I wanted to watch since ages ago and sitcoms on TV without any guilt (Heh..so far, I've watched Lost in Translation, Batman Begins, Kingdom of Heaven)

Quick Reviews

Lost in Translation - Man, it puts Japan in such a bad light! The 2 main characters that befriend each other in a foreign country look SO bored. The story line was so easy I think I remember writing it in a short essay when I was 10. How did it get so many awards? Guess lotsa powerful people like kiddy stories...

Batman Begins - Hu ha! THE show of the holiday (so far) No regrets...$ well spent on it...for a character so fictitious, it brings to surface something we all have to deal with, loss of a loved one, and fear. Also, heh...there was this fancy car I wish I owned...

Kingdom of Heaven - Umm...didnt finish watching it....wonder why..........

Some O L D pictures

Ok..so when it comes to uploading pictures, I've been lazy in every sense of the word. SO here are a few of SCENERY...lol....I feel so NZish....






Aargh...the first pic's a mess...o well, I'll fix it...SOME TIME soon...lol
Hey...gimme a break, my exam's just ended....I got some time wasting to do.

So there

I did it, I said what I'd been thinking about someone almost 7 months ago today, by txt.
I guess, everyone has a breaking point. I thought, if I subdued it, surpressed it, squashed it down, and let bury it, the 'dirt' would rot it all away. I was wrong, it only continued to simmer, and today it boiled so fast, it overflowed. Why, though, I ask myself. Usually, I keep my mouth shut, forget the nasties, and let it go. I guess this time it was different. I guess this time, I couldnt bear seeing my instincts about someone proven right through observation.
Maybe it wouldnt have been so bad if I said it at that moment in time 7 months ago. But, I guess, at that moment, there was more sorrow, dissapointment and betrayal than anger. I guess this is what happens.....when you suppress it all...I dunno..usually I regret saying what I said when Im in the heat of the moment, later telling myself to make the first move to apologise...but I dunno why...this time, a sense of relief came over me....I feel so calm now...so...at ease...as if a thick nail stabbed in my heart was yanked out..

And so it ends

Yes, the exams are finally over......how did i celebrate it? I think im typing this blog now at the edge of soberiety.....hehe....na..Im not drunk.....Why......why do I always think about death? About what I'll see / experience once I die? Do souls fall in love in heaven? Or is it cos its heaven that souls no longer FALL in love.......I mean..if you FALL in love, its something you couldnt really control...cos nobody really falls halfway...and then go "Hey, this is gonna HURT once I hit that floor" YEa...I HOPE there's gonna be love in heaven, I mean, God is love, but does that mean, once you're in heaven, the only being you'll be fixated upon is God? I know, God is SO overwhelming, you might not really wanna focus on any other existing beings...but but...........there are some people out there who REALLY catch your attention, people who are so attractive, inwards and outwards, people, whom despite their faults, you just wanna take a eye patch and cover it over your eyes, and disregard what they do wrong......but but, why......why does it seem to the outsider that 2 people shouldnt be together? Ah......I dunno......my head's spinning, I think...once you begin to accept the fact, that you MIGHT be alone, you tend not to worry so much.....there are so many things in life you have no control over, and I always tried to put my hand on it...ALWAYS,...I think it was my personal philosophy you know...I always said to myself, 'Once you've tried your best..then...you have...you've done what you could, don't blame yourself anymore"...I guess, as I grow older in age,I start to think that my best is never enough..never....but ....yea...I've come to it now, your best MUST be the best, as long as at that moment in time, you truly honestly said to yourself, "This is it, I've done what I could think of, I followed my conscience, this is what I'll do. Because only I will do it." Yea....Im happy to say I havent lowered my standards....all I need is this reminder...that I've done my best, including praying for the Almighty's blessing....Im only human, I know my limits...and as long as I know Im pushing my limits, as long as I know that, I know at that point, that was my 'best'...my all....

In General

If only you knew what I knew and saw what I saw, maybe you wouldnt feel what you feel.
If it didnt happen to you and you didnt experience it, maybe you wouldnt be seeing things the way you think they are.
If only your obsession was realised only so you could see your mistake, and if that were the only way you could come to the realisation, then how sad it is for you.

Thankful

So I was down with a BAD flu 3 weeks ago, days before this measely test, and I was upset, cos I couldnt get any studying done...well barely...and now I thank God I got the flu then, rather than NOW, in the middle of the exams...so many of my friends fell sick, those in uni, and today I learnt, in church. This is probably a small scale of how God works...you dont really understand when you're 'IN' it..e.g when i got the flu, but you go...."Ah...so its like THAT!" only after....


PS: I know I said I wasnt going to blog, but o well....this was for someOne special.

Bumper Sticker

"People who seek God on the 11th hour tend to die at 10:30"