Ever felt like crying sometimes but something in you just forces you not to? Who said you'd feel better after crying? Do people feel dissapointed in themselves after crying? For displaying weakness? Even in private? Do people feel prouder for not crying? For being able to hold back? For being able to say, "There, I did it. The pain inside has subsided slowly, much slower than it would have subsided had I cried, but by doing this, I believe Im stronger for it"
Dunno. When all my sad thoughts are jumbled up into one hunk of mass, it just keeps growing and growing, feeding on all the past dissapointments, hurt, pain, embarrasment, anger, loneliness, and inability to do anything, I do feel like crying. But its not because at that moment I can't control all those bad thoughts, rather its cause I find it so difficult to bring up the happier moments of joy, laughter, and acheivement to balance out those thoughts. As if my mind is only a storage box of pain. Where is my trove of happiness? Im sure its there, maybe I have yet to find the key.